Holding Things Back............

Hot tears were rolling down my cheeks; my sight was so blurred that I could hardly read the sheet of paper that I held in my hand. Every time I read it, my heart writhed in anguish. I felt as if someone had pierced it with a million pins a million times over. Yet, there was this undercurrent of joy, very occasionally making itself felt in the sea of pain. I was still in shock and I still couldn’t believe any of the things that had been going on in the past few hours. I felt sorry for myself, felt angry at myself, frustration got the better of me. I cried out wildly, as if I were possessed by a beast. And then I dropped down to the floor. As the hot tears still rolled down, my mind wandered off to yesteryears.

I found myself at physics tuition in class 9. Archimedes Principle was definitely interesting and I saw myself deeply engrossed in a sum. Then she turned back at me. She was sitting right in front of me. I had never noticed her before. She had always been there, but for some uncanny reason, I had never given her a thought! But now she said, “Excuse me, can you please tell me how to solve this sum?” Piece of cake!!! In a minute, I placed three equations before her, with some explanations scribbled in brackets. “Wow!”, she said. “I never thought of it that way! Thanks a lot! What is your name? I am Neha.”

The bells of joy went “DONG DONG DONG “ in my heart!! There was this sudden euphoria that made me want to jump up with joy and throw my hands in the air, shout out loud till my throat went soar………. I was in love!

In a few days, I got her phone number. We messaged at night frequently. I called her up sometimes. Things were just great. One night, I messaged her as usual. She sent me a reply……”Can’t talk today. I am sorry. Something happened. I am crying now. Sorry.”
I was confused. I didn’t know what to do. But I decided to comfort her. So, I called her up.

That was a phone call that changed everything. I talked to her. Comforted her. She sobbed and she sniffed. Her boyfriend had ‘ditched’ her. What a thing to do! How could anyone ditch an angel like this???? What a piece of crap that guy was! After one and a half hours over the phone, it was 1:30 A.M. She had to go to bed. I wanted to go on talking to her forever. She thanked me. “ Thank you very much. You are the best friend I have.” I hadn’t realized how much that last line would affect my life!

Our friendship grew stronger after that. It went on to such an extent that we knew everything about each other. We could not spend a day without talking to each other. But always……….we remained friends. She fell in love again. She broke her heart again. I comforted her again. Again she said, “ You are my best friend”. She took me to meet her parents. “This is my best friend”, she told them. She introduced me to her friemds……” My best friend” she got married. I was there. She told her husband, “Meet my best friend”. She was pregnant. I was there at the hospital during her delivery. She told the nurse, “ Let him stay, he is my best friend”.

“Best friend. Best friend. Best friend.” That’s all she always said. I could never tell her my feelings. I was scared. I knew she considered me as her best friend. Nothing more than that. I wouldn’t mean anything more than that to her. I would always remain her best friend. I cried to myself. I spent sleepless nights. I tore off my hair at times. Shouted at myself. But I never told her. I never told her that I loved her. “ I am your best friend” , that’s what I always said!

Yesterday at midnight, her husband called me up. He was panting and nervous. He asked me to come over quickly. Neha had had a heart attack! I rushed to her home. I was trembling. I had to be there. Just as I reached, she was being taken into the ambulance. I was allowed to go with her because I was her best friend. Her husband told the doctors that. Inside the ambulance, she was conscious. She asked me for my hand. She held it tight. “ Thank you again. You are there for me as always. You are my best friend”.

She never came back from the hospital. She passed away. Burned out like a candle. Never to rekindle. And I sat at home. Devastated. Lost. I didn’t know what to do. I was so flooded with emotions that I couldn’t actually feel any of them! I felt like ending everything on the railway tracks. That’s when her husband came to my house. He gave me a package. He left. I was curious. I opened the package. It was a diary. Her personal diary. She had wanted me to have it. The first page had a piece of paper. It was the one that I held now. It was her writing. It said…….

“ All my life, I have been thankful to many people. But I am most thankful to that one special person who had always been there for me. Someone who had stuck by me through all my troubled times. My best friend. But the truth is, I never looked upon him as my friend only. I always loved him and I loved him with all my heart. I loved him more than anything in this world. But I could never tell him. I could never tell him because he always looked at me as his best friend only. And I felt guilty and scared to tell him about my feelings for him. He always told me that he was my best friend. He never told me of any feelings that he had for me. But I always loved him and I still do. To me, he is more than just a best friend”.